Fantasy Football Strategy: Surviving Your Best Player Going to Jail

We are in the swing of the fantasy football season, so it’s good to remind ourselves that only three things in life are guaranteed: death, taxes, and NFL players commit heinous crimes. Crime is king in the NFL. Holdouts and injuries already present huge risks to your best player’s playing time, but jail is an unexpected element that can kill a fantasy football season faster than Henry Ruggs killed his career and a woman with her dog. Here’s how to cope when your touchdown vulture turns jailbird.

Handcuffing Ironically, “Handcuffing” usually refers to picking a highly skilled player and his backup in case he is injury prone or has a suspension to serve. What we are focusing on is pairing the backup with some of our sketchy superstars to avoid some Folsom Prison Blues. Two trouble makers we have our eyes on cuffing are Alvin Kamara, RB, New Orleans Saints and Joe Mixon, RB, Cincinnati Bengals. Don’t be fooled, neither of these stud half backs is a Saint. After the 2022 Pro Bowl in Las Vegas, Kamara was arrested for battery resulting in substantial bodily harm and is suspended for the first three games this season. Think about drafting the more wholesome Jamaal Williams, the running back signed from Detroit who led the NFL in touchdowns last season.

As for our other troublemaker, Joe is known to be mixin’ it up both on and off the field. We’ve all seen the video of Mixon knocking out a woman cold in a restaurant while he was at Oklahoma in 2014. Allegedly there were some not so subtle racial slurs thrown around by the assaultee, (hint, it rhymes with “bigger”) but knocking women unconscious is still hard to justify. He knocked her the fuck out. Fast forward to this year, and Mixon already has two incidents with the law, including a threat of gun violence with a woman, and an incident involving a minor being injured in his home. He hasn’t been arrested, yet, but these incidents are a cause for concern for his future on and off the field. His backups in Cincy are not great, so maybe just don’t draft Joe Mixon at all. Don’t do it.

Cry It Out It’s ok to have yourself a good cry every now and then. It’s ok, you can’t win every season. We won’t tell your friends, because if they found out they’d probably make you cry a little more for being a pussy. Sorry, crying can be healthy. That’s at least what my girlfriend tells me.

Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick “2 a.m. and she calls me ‘cause I’m still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season.”

Just breathe. You did nothing wrong, the multi-millionaire with behavior issues who makes a living inflicting violence on his peers let you down. You can’t be responsible for the choices made by a criminal you’ve never even met.

Get Henry Ruggs Level Drunk You can always drink away your sorrows. Ok, maybe not Henry Ruggs level drunk, you don’t want to kill someone and share a jail cell with your morally suspect best player. Drown the voice in your head that makes you feel bad for drafting that rabble-rouser. Line them up, knock them back and cheers to better luck next season.

Hit the Casino Vegas Style Casinos offer the chance for decrepit fantasy football owners to win back the league fee they owe after losing. You gotta spend money to make money, right? It’s a business trip. No free drinks. Buckle up, and kick ass at some blackjack. Or maybe just be an adult and don’t lose more money. If Zack Galifianakis can count cards, surely you can figure it out. Fantasy football can be a cruel, unforgiving beast that simply isn’t fair. Unlike the choices that Kamara and Henry Ruggs made for themselves, your choices for the league aren’t all directly on you. You can’t control how they’ll play, but they can control whether they drink and drive or beat somebody up in Vegas.

Remember, letting out a good cry is ok every now and then, as long as none of your friends see you and it doesn’t become a recurring thing. You’re thirty, there are better things to cry about than how a grown man you’ve never met performed in a child’s game.